Or, what I learned about going to Bonneville Speed Week.....
Don’t go if you are adverse to dust, salt, and dirt.
Expect no showers or water if camping in the BLM area. This ain't no KOA.
No dark clothes. Unless you want someone to find your baked and dried remains on the salt years from now.
Sunscreen is your friend.
Baseball hats may be stylish, but big brim hats better. (Those conical hats from Asia cover a lot of ground on the head and shoulders. And, yes, they are worn out there. Big cowboy hats work, too. Nothing dark, tho. You will melt your brain.)
Yes, there are bugs there. Yes, they are large. Yes, they will hang around your campsite.
Butt wipes are your friend. Unless you enjoy skid marks in your skivvies after walking nine miles to a porta-john.
You can pee wherever you want. But not on the speedway salt.
No one does biker bro hugs. Thank gawd.
Wyoming is no different than West Virginia. It’s pretty but there is junky shit in everyone’s front yard. Everything is run down. And dirty.
Wendover is.....interesting. Customer service is spotty at best. If you ask questions at the McDonalds you are met with a blank look. If you ask questions anywhere, you are met by a blank look 80 percent of the time.
The Wendover visitor center is nice; like a mini-museum. For you cheap bastards it is free, too.
You need to visit the old Wendover Army air base. Worth it. Tons of history. It was the focal point for the end of WWII.
If you ask for directions, everything is “over there."
The casino smells funny. And don't expect to see Wayne Newton. Not even close.
You can see the Earth's curve from atop West Wendover, Nevada.
We did not see Donny or Marie in Salt Lake City or anywhere else in Utah.
Don’t camp in a one-man tent. You roll around in dirt trying to get in it.
Tarps with poles are worthless. Bring porta shelter pop-up things like vendors use at art fairs. Tarp poles bend easy, even the good ones.
Your tent stakes will bend, too. Get better ones that are steel and that can be pounded into the ground with a heavy hammer. (A hammer that was likely used for a potential murder at a particular restaurant we visited. See entry below...)
Don’t be shy; meet people; this is a social event. If you are a hermit-introvert, stay home.
Work the pits. You might be that person that helps reach a speed record. We helped the guy on a 49 cc Honda scooter reach his goal of hitting 50 mph. Tim suggested removing the center stand to cut weight. I also helped a guy from Texas start his Triumph.
Portable radio is needed. The race is broadcast daily on 89.3 FM.
Get to track by 7 AM. The action is faster paced.
Binoculars, not shit Walmart specials, are good. The more zoom power, the better.
Watch your driving on the salt. This shit is like concrete or mush. Mush makes cars, trucks and tanks sink. Fast. Ask Capt. Smith of the Titanic; you'll find his boat out there.
There is a pace to Bonneville Speed week that is determined by competitors. There is no timeline or schedule set by SCTA. Racers go when ready.
Don’t think that you can quickly walk from place to place. The layout is miles apart from A to B.
No, you can’t buy beer at the Speedway. I got the sense that bringing beer in was also discouraged. Water, yes. Budweiser? Not so much.
And, yes, the local sheriff patrols the speedway and surrounding areas. We saw them everyday and all over. Yep, peeps follow the speed limit out there.
Butt wipes do a great job of cleaning not only your ass but everything else. (Sorta previously noted above.)
Did I mention bringing water? Yes, bring water and hydrate early and often. Getting piss drunk the night prior is of no help the next morning.
Sure, it’s hot but it is dry heat. (We've heard that one before...)
Don’t bring anything in a metal container. Go ahead and give it a grab and you'll find out why in a hurry.
Oddly, you could sit right on the salt and not burn yer ass. It is not hot and rather cool. But you will have salt stuck all over yer kiester.(Refer to previous butt wipe suggestion.)
No, you will not burn your testicles wearing shorts. Wives tale perhaps.But longer adventure type breathable pants do the job just fine.
Did I mention drinking water? (Another reminder.)
We saw no hookers in West Wendover. Amish or otherwise.
Good gawd, there are a lot of fucking semi-trucks on I-80.
Out west, you can pull the car over and sleep anywhere.
Western Wyoming is sorta scrubby.The only trees out here are the ones bought at Christmas time.
Use speedway salt for your margarita.
The West Wendover strip club is defunct. But there are some remaining billboards if you need a "looky looky" cheap thrill.
Don’t eat at the suggested restaurant.Unless you enjoy having fly strips over your table. And it looked like a murder scene from a mobster movie on my side of the booth.
T-mobile works great out there. Your service may vary.
You can walk barefoot on the salt.
You will see a big variety of travel trailers, RV, cars, hot rods,. If you are a true gear head, it’s a meca.
Would I camp again? Yes and no. In a Bonneville battle wagon? (RV or pickup) Yes. A tent? Not likely.
Don’t over pack.
There is a huge booze store in West Wendover. But it never has ice.
Bring protective privy shelter unless you like pooping during the day in the wide open spaces with people driving by. Night time? No worries; poop with reckless abandon.
More bikers travel east away from Sturgis, Once past Sturgis, not that many bikes on road. And nearly 90 percent of those coming from the west wear helmets.
We met a couple of cool cats from Yakima and San Diego. Hope to meet up again next year.
Gillette to Rawling, Wyo. is a nice ride. I’d do it again on a motorcycle.Would I ride out to Bonneville on my motorcycle? Probably not. (One of you chumps needs to buy an RV we can pile into...)
No one laughed at us for having umbrellas. Never once were we compared to Mary Poppins.
You’ll need lip balm.
At 470 mph, you can cover 7 miles in about one minute.
If something breaks and you don’t have a particular tool, go ask your neighbor. You'll make good friends with your abundant supply of butt wipes. It's like bitcoin out there.
It’s fucking windy. But only after you return to camp and open that first beer. That is the law of nature; It likes to fuck with you after opening that first cold beer.